Quo Vadimus

Saturday, March 11, 2006


Quo Vadimus.

Dana: Is your name--?

Mysterious Stranger: Stop talking.

Dana: All right. I just need your water. (grabs the glass in front of him and downs it in one gulp)

Mysterious Stranger: That was a gin martini.

Dana: Yes. I know that now. Is your name Calvin Trager?

Mysterious Stranger (Trager): Yes.

Dana: There was something that was big, and you invented something that made it small.

Trager: Yes.

Dana: You own Quo Vadimus.

Trager: Yes.

Dana: You bought Continental Corp?

Trager: Turns out I picked up a few more shares of stock, yeah.

Dana: Why didn't you tell me?

Trager: I just wrote a check for 18 billion dollars, Dana. My scouting says you don't keep a secret so good.

Dana: I can change.

Trager: Yeah... well, we're going to work on that.

Dana: We're going to work on it?

Trager: Yeah.

Dana: You're keeping the station?

Trager: Yeah.

Dana: (looking faint, hopeful) You're keeping the show?

Trager: Yeah. It's a good show, Dana. Anybody who can't make money off Sports Night should get out of the money-making business.

Dana: (pause, breathless) I don't know what to say.

Trager: (looking at TV over bar) Your show is on.

Dana: (pause) That's right! (laughing tearfully) My show is on. My show is on! My show is on! (runs out) My show is *on*!

(Back in the studio, Dan and Casey are doing the show. The mood is still depressed.)

Casey: (on air) With the 0-2 pitch from Fin McAllister, and smoke! Take a seat, sir, you've been brought down by the fast ball. McAllister's fifth save of the season, coming at the expense of a .383 hitter. We're gonna take a break. You're watching Sports Night on CSC-we'll be right back.

Dave: We're out.

Chris: Sixty seconds back.

(Everyone sits in glum silence)

Jeremy: Hey, let's here some chatter in here. We're still doing a show tonight.

Elliot: Jeremy's right. (pause) So how are you, Jeremy?

Jeremy: (pause) Okay, let's not do the chatter.

Chris: Sound 2 standing.

Will: Denver's up.

Dave: You've got Katie.

Kim: 30 seconds live.

Dave: (as Dana dashes back in) Stand by 1, 4, 4.

Chris: Standing.

Natalie: Dana?

Dana: I'm back.

Natalie: What's going on?

Dana: I need a headset.

Natalie: Dana!

Dana: (into headset) Dan, Casey....

(In the studio, Dan and Casey listen to Dana. Unbelieving, relieved grins break across their faces just as they're going back on the air)

Dave: In three, two...

Dan: (on air) Well, looks like we're stuck with each other for a little while. Let's go to the American League.

Casey: (on air, still a little dazed) Yes, we are. (pause, then laughs) Going to the American League.

Chris: (as everyone, now happy, gets back into the swing of things) Stand by sound 20.

Will: FX-5, 6 and 6a.

Dave: 6a standing.

Tech Woman: Let me see the chyron on four.

Jeremy: I got tape working on Oakland.

Natalie: Hold it for the 50s and keep it tight.

Jeremy: How tight?

Natalie: Twenty second clips over the shoulder.

Kim: And I need to preview Denver.

Elliot: Coming up.

Dana: All right. Here we go. (Isaac lays a hand on her shoulder, and she kisses it)

Casey: (on air) ... as they welcome the Tigers into the House that Ruth Built this evening.

Dan: (on air) Excuse me, Casey, but Ruth didn't build the house this evening, did he?

Casey: (on air) No, Dan, and thank you for correcting my every mistake, no matter how small, oh, these many years.

Dan: (on air) What are friends for?

Casey: (on air) Annoying the hell outta you?

Dan: (on air) Exactly! Elsewhere in the AL East, the Bluejays lead the Orioles in a rare day game, first baseman....


posted by Linus | 6:39 PM

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


Fun with Roth. #022:

"I'm on my fourth."

posted by Linus | 6:58 PM

Monday, January 02, 2006


RIP. #014:

Patrick Cranshaw and Richard DeAngelis

posted by Linus | 1:57 PM

Friday, November 25, 2005


RIP. #013:

Pat Morita, the preeminent sage for a generation.

[He does a very fun commentary track with John Avildsen and Ralph Macchio on The Karate Kid SE DVD.]

UPDATE: Buy a Miyagi figurine.

posted by Linus | 2:55 PM

Sunday, November 06, 2005


Telly Alert. #47:

"Retarded" in a good way:

"In the pilot, her remote control runs out of batteries and she has to get new ones because she can't stand the images on her TV, like children dying of cancer. She ends up meeting God*, who's black and who she has sex with only to find out he behaves like a needy, insecure guy afterwards and she can't get him out of her apartment." --Lauren Corrao, Comedy Central Executive VP of Programming, on The Sarah Silverman Program in EW.

*Hopefully played by Brian Posehn in Dansonian "blackface".

posted by Linus | 9:27 PM

Thursday, November 03, 2005


The Brown Bunny. #044:

No cripples.

[Yeah, this sperm-for-sale thing started circulating a few days ago, but I couldn't resist giving the old bump-and-grind to The Brown Bunny series. Plus: it's gettin' chilly out there, so it's time for a new parka.]

posted by Linus | 5:53 PM

Monday, October 31, 2005



Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv
From: "Giuditta"
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 08:16:17 -0600
Local: Mon, Oct 31 2005 9:16 am
Subject: Gilmore Girls

A friend brought over the first season of Gilmore Girls last night, and I watched it for the first time. Could someone explain to me what the hoopla is over this show. The acting is awful (except for the teenage daughter), every scene is predictable, the writing is cliche-filler, and the characters have no chemistry between them. I don't even know the names of the actors and don't even care. The mom really needs acting classes, the writers need help ...

My friend who brought the season one episodes over just loves this show, so we had to sit and watch it ... am I missing something? I was surprised that there were several seaons of episodes, assuming something this lame would have been canceled after the first one...obviously, people like the show. Why?

Peace out!


posted by Linus | 4:10 PM

Sunday, October 30, 2005


Fun Movie News. #134:

Maria Full of Trans Fatty Acids?

posted by Linus | 11:28 AM

Thursday, October 27, 2005


Fun with Roth. #21:

"If none of that works, we have a secret weapon: Sammy "the Jokeman" Hagar. I've seen this guy say things backstage that were so funny he should have been arrested." (If DLR actually wrote such a letter, it would be much, much funnier.)

posted by Linus | 5:11 PM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


Invasion of Privacy.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -- Mother 13's Corey Harris spins numbers from recent set at the Wheat Thins-Coke Zero-Twix Champagne Jam in Charlotte:

Our profiles were up about 28% among Mother 13 Die-Hards, and we saw a record increase in head bobs towards the end of our set. It was probably a result of our cover of "Driver 8" (many have said it's better than the original). We also saw a jump in some younger demos (Observers leaning General Interest) due to recent rotation on WFMU.

As a band, we're looking to increase our 18-49s at next week's 11:00 a.m. slot at the Newman's Own Peach Salsa-Kashi Go-Lean Crunch-Pilsner Urquell Monster Mash at the Atlanta Motor Speedway. We'll be promoting our CD-R-only (for now; Asthmatic Kitty and Dischord are interested) covers EP and will unveil our take on "Drain You" on The Jew Crew Morning Zoo.

We're also still taking a look at the bursts of devil-horn activity in Zone A.

P.S. -- To the people who left Zone C after two songs: see you in HELL, my friends.

Contact: c_dogg@aol.com / Booking: Matthew Perpetua.

posted by Linus | 6:33 PM