Tuesday, November 18, 2003
From G. Xavier Robillard's "Inaugural Speeches from our Action Heroes":
Although I realize that I was not elected by a majority, I pledge to represent the interests of all. I have also retained many of my father's advisers to guide my way.
I will cut taxes, balance the budget, and rid the world of Skeletor. Skeletor is evil. Skeletor does not believe in free trade. Perhaps my words are too moralistic, too black and white. But look at him—his face is a skull! He sits on a throne made of bones. This is an evil man, working in evil times. And I know, from various intelligence sources, including my trusted aide Man-at-Arms and my Security Adviser Generic-Noun-Name, that Skeletor has been working on a new weapon: a weapon that could destroy the nation. You in the media don't believe me. Some have cynically reported that I am using fear to gain votes. If any members of the press corps wish to find out what Skeletor is up to, they can take a trip to Castle Grayskull, expenses paid from my Mattel stock options. Any takers? I didn't think so.
Pundits and columnists have questioned my judgment, just because I used to run around without clothes on, saving people. I've moved past that. In your younger days, you don't live your life running for political office. What hasn't changed: I was a muscle-bound action figure then, and I'm a muscle-bound action figure now, dedicated to fighting Skeletor.
I should disclose at this time that I no longer receive any salary from Mattel, and I'm totally uninterested in their financial state. I've severed all ties. The idea that I might start a war so that Mattel could profit is ridiculous. How could a toy company possibly profit from a war?
The time is ripe for an attack. Why? Because if we don't attack now, Skeletor will attack first. It is time to show who will be the Masters of the Universe.
Thank you and God bless. He-Man!
Secretary of Defense: Ram-Man.
And: more MOTU fun here.
posted by Linus | 7:31 AM