Quo Vadimus

Tuesday, July 13, 2004



As promised, here is the announcement of Bill Haverchuck's Vice-Presidential running mate for the 2004 campaign:

Lauren Graham

In addition to "general awesomeness", Haverchuck cites five main reasons for his selection of Graham:

1. Gilmore girls.

2. Educational background / geographic diversity: Graham was born in Hawaii, grew up in Northern Virginia, received an undergraduate English degree from Barnard College, received an MFA from SMU, and currently resides in California. Haverchuck has spent his entire life in glorious, suburban Detroit and is a graduate of McKinley High.

3. Is real, which provides the very important fictional character/actual human "ticket balance" that is needed to win a national election.

4. Highly skilled and aggressive No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em play.

5. Brilliant when hitting the talk show circuit (the 2 Conans and 1 Dave are classics).

Some have expressed concerns about Haverchuck's legendary allergies (e.g., licorice, bees, air, cats, some dogs, nougat, the potentially deadly peanuts, among many others). Not only is Graham allergy-free, but she also maintains an active CPR certification and will be an asset in medical emergencies. Dirty Tricksters beware: the Haverchuck-Graham campaign has an unprecedented security and paramedical staff. Any attempts to sabotage Haverchuck with items such as Annabelle's Big Hunk (aka "Haverchuck Kryptonite") will be quickly thwarted.

The official candy of the campaign will be the safe and stimulating Pixy Stix, which Haverchuck believes "rule".

The official song of the campaign will be Paul Feig's "Space Funk"

The official pants and t-shirt of the campaign will be revealed later.

Pre-emptive strike: Drudge will undoubtedly unleash this in the coming days so here it is:

Drudge is also claiming to have pictures of Graham in a "compromising position with a mall Santa" but I have yet to confirm that these pics actually exist.

Celebrity endorsements so far:

- Phil Gordon (Ah! Finally! I knew Phil looked a lot like some other guy. It's Allan Havey!)
- Beau Teague
- Alexis Bledel
- Chan Marshall
- Judd Apatow
- Jared Sapolin
- Jeff Rosso
- Eppy
- Paul Feig [via e-mail: "Nice blog. I unfortunately have never seen Gilmore Girls, so I'm not familiar with the character, but I'll support her addition as VP to the Haverchuck ticket. I have to admit, I didn't know there was a Haverchuck for President campaign underway before we did the campaign buttons. I'm embarrassed about my lack of awareness. But thanks for furthering the cause. You have my full support. Now, when is the debate?"]

Haverchuck and Graham have scheduled their first appearance: 3:00 p.m. on Thursday, July 22nd at the San Diego Convention Center.

- Haverchuck greets his supporters in San Diego.
- Haverchuck laughs at Campaign Treasurer Samm Levine.
- The next POTUS.

posted by Linus | 9:10 PM